Seasons

There are things that are etched in my memory, burnt in like an image on a TV screen when left on too long. Some of the things I would love to be able to delete, just like we do today with multiple selfies taken to get the “perfect one”. When it comes down to it, life isn’t perfect no matter how much we hope otherwise. I have always wished those flawed memories would fade until recently. ​

They had hardened everything about my life.I was preventing God from moving inside my life and molding me into what he wants me to be. I had failed to see that God had placed those very memories there for a reason. Those memories all mix together to strengthen me, mold me, and to harden me. These life events, I have now realized, were seasons in my life meant to serve a greater purpose. 

In scripture, the word “Season” literally signifies that which comes or arrives and is synonymous with time. I feel like I have been in many seasons, but mostly those of surviving and grief. We all have seasons. It is how we respond to them, how we allow God to use us and comfort us during those times that matters. 

Big shock here… I have a song that resonates with me, a song I have probably listened to a thousand times and every time I still want to wave a hankie! The very first time I heard this song it stirred me. What I failed to realize is just like the Bible is the living word, this song serves the same purpose. It can be applied to your life and seems to speak directly to the season you are in. Reason Unspoken is a song of praise it is for someone in the midst of their storm. 

This year's felt like four seasons of winter
And you'd give anything you think to feel the sun
Always reaching always climbing
Always second guessing the timing
But God has a plan a purpose in this
You are His child so don't you forget" .  

Every time I listen to this song, I close my eyes and feel God wrapping his arms around me. I now find myself able to look back on the same memories that I once wanted to erase and allow them to soften me. I can see how God was working during those times, protecting me all along, and preparing me for the things I would face in adulthood. 

In September, when driving my husband home from Duke for the last time (as we were coming home with hospice) this song came on again. It took on a different meaning for me. The words “This year’s felt like four seasons of winter” shattered me. It was as if they were just for me and God was saying “Brandy, I know you're exhausted. I know you are tired of being strong but just let go I’ve got you.”

I remember driving down the road as Jason looked out the window. I like to think he was savoring every moment soaking up the beautiful world God had created. He held my hand and tears streamed down my face. I prayed that God would give me the strength to get through this season, that I would be strong enough to balance what time we had left and be the best caretaker for him. God answered those prayers and never left my side as we cared for him up until the end. God placed amazing individuals in our path to help us. I didn’t have to carry the burden alone. I was able to focus on spending time with him, ensuring he was well cared for, and balancing time with our two children. 

Grief is ugly, I won’t even lie to you. It’s sleepless nights and fears of social gatherings. It is being happy for someone and at the same time your heart is breaking because you didn’t get “that moment”. It’s catching yourself saying “we” when it’s just “I”. It's the reality that not everyone lives up to my expectations as I trudge forward as a widowed single mother of two. Trying to make it through a combined season of grief and motherhood, even as a Christian, is hard. I can’t imagine not having God to see me through. 

As the holidays approached quickly, I found that I needed God more than ever. I began to engulf myself in all things that brought me peace. I began morning devotions followed by prayer and music. I wasn’t sure how we would survive the holidays less one, less the man that had been there to protect me and hold me everytime the world came crashing down on me.

God provided through the holidays. He placed amazing new people in my life. Even though those people are walking in their own seasons, they have become a tremendous blessing to my family.  Putting God first has meant saying no to many things but I do not regret a moment of that as he has continued to be there for us! 

I spent some time looking at references to seasons in the Bible and Ecclesiastes Chapter 3 verses 1-8 stood out to me.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Seasons will come in our lives but what I have come to understand is that it is how we respond to them that is important. As a child of God, we give a testimony to his love and we don’t have to allow the seasons of life to harden us. If we continue to turn all our troubles over to Him, He will provide for us! He will allow you to cry, but He will wipe your tears. He will allow your heart to be broken, but He will also allow it to be healed! He will allow you to be quiet, but when the time is right, He will allow you to use your testimony for a greater purpose! 

I know that God has not left my side over the last 13 months and it is a comfort I cannot explain. It is something I pray for anyone to have that is in a hard season of life. As I look back now on the memories I used to shudder at I can see God’s hands all over it.

Dear Heavenly Father, 

I thank you for your many blessings in this season I am in. I thank you for having your hands all over my life. Lord even when I didn’t realize what you were doing and questioned you many times, I now realize that it was all for a reason. I pray you continue to mold me into the person you want me to be and to glorify you as you have sheltered me through this season in my life. I pray for those who are in seasons of their lives and they need you but may not know you. Please allow those who are struggling to turn their season over to you and seek comfort and guidance. I open my heart to you Lord. Please use my testimony to reach those who need You!  Here I am Lord, please use me!

In Your Heavenly name I pray,

Amen

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Author

Brandy Taylor