Breath Of Heaven

Flash back to November, 1996. I was pregnant (verrrrryyyy pregnant) with Allyson. We all knew something was wrong. I was gaining 8 pounds a week and the doctor wasn’t doing anything but telling me I was eating too much. I was scared. That’s an understatement. Some of you know this story and know this could have ended so much differently than it did! God had me in his hands then and had a plan! We all have those songs that just push straight through to our hearts even in the business of the day. “Breath of Heaven” is one of those songs for me. ​

It’s already a scary thing when you are having your first child. Will I be able to parent right? Will they be healthy? Can I carry this new responsibility? Why did God even trust me with another human being? I heard this song in the middle of my doubt one day while trying to clean the house, very pregnant, and miserable. I literally fell to my knees. I had not really listened closely to the words before then. What did Mary feel? Wow! The image of her filled my head and heart. She was feeling like I was, miserably pregnant, having to ride a donkey.  God entrusted her with carrying the most important gift the world will ever know. Did she feel inadequate? Was she scared? We know she was probably feeling shamed by others and scared at some point, but no doubt God gave her what she needed.

Fast forward from 1996 to a few weeks ago. I usually start listening to Christmas music the first day possible when the season is upon us. I had not done that this year. It was several weeks after it began blasting on all stations that I could even begin to listen to anything about Christmas. How could I listen to music celebrating a season that I had so dreaded this year? How could I have the same joy in my heart knowing I would wake up in my bed on Christmas morning alone? That has changed now and I am constantly annoying my friends and family while singing passionately to every song. What changed in me?

I was cleaning again, in the same room, when this song came on. Again the words of “Breath of Heaven” stopped me in my tracks. Again, I literally fell to my knees in almost the same spot as I did 23 years ago. To say I ugly cried is an understatement. I started wondering how all these feelings could span time and situation. I was alone, carrying so much emotional heaviness, moving forward toward a ministry calling and trying to now juggle being a single mom to two wonderful adult children. My heart was hurting and shattered yet also so full of joy and contentment.
The lyrics reflected the same questions that circled in my mind.
“Must I walk this path alone?”
“If a wiser one should have had my place”

The same questions and doubts came rushing back. How can I carry all this responsibility? Can I parent right? What was God thinking leaving me alone in all this? How in the world did God trust me with a new ministry opportunity when I feel like I can barely hold it together? Doubt and shame rushed in like a flood. Then I heard the words to the song again. “Hold me together, be forever near me” were the words that I was able to choke out and sing. “Lighten my darkness, pour over me your holiness”

There’s a line in the song that is so important. “But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan, help me be strong, help me be”
 
That suddenly clicked with me. I felt such a rush of the Holy Spirit in that moment that I gasped. “Help me be”. That was all I could think and pray. “Lord, just help me be.” I grabbed my iPad and jotted down some thoughts and felt God just wanting me to stew on it awhile and let my thoughts develop as He rolled out more to me in His timing. And He did just that.

Last week, I was blessed with finding something Bill had written and he had referenced a verse. It was Romans 12:1, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.” This also clicked with me.  Again, I felt the rush of the Holy Spirit and I was reminded of my thoughts and emotions while on the floor crying to the song a few weeks prior. 

All that Mary did was be willing to offer what she had. I think I had forgotten that’s all God expects of me. Just to offer all that I am and rely upon God to do the rest, to fill me up, and give me whatever is needed for the day. Just “help me be”. And here it was, a scripture reference from Tall Boyfriend himself that had been written in 1997.

So, as the verse goes, in light of all that God has blessed me with and His amazing mercy and grace, I was praying “God, just use me, take whatever is left of me and do something meaningful with it. And that is all I know to do to worship you.” To be entrusted with a calling is a heavy thing when you take it seriously. We are all called to carry a message and tell others about the LOVE of God, not sit in judgement, but truly LOVE people as we are loved. That is my prayer and hearts desire. In all that has been so painful, so devastating, that others will see the miracle that God can do in a person. He has given me joy, promise, filled me up, and pushed me forward even through the darkest days that tend to come and go. He has given me people, bright sunny days, and provided for needs I did not even know I had. He has “helped me be” and I offer what I have left.  

And that is my prayer for you. That you will allow him to “lighten your darkness, pour over you His holiness, hold you together and be forever near you!”

If you would like someone to pray with you or for you please reach out to us. Message us, email us, or just call us if you know where to find us! This can be a tough season for so many hurting and heartbroken. But there is a promise of a new day and joy to be found in all of it!

Author: Kim Carroll

.