Christmas Minus One

It is almost Christmas!  If we pause and look around we see magic.  We see lights and decorations. We see generosity.  There are so many things to be thankful for. The holiday season can elicit such positive emotions and those feel good moments deep in your soul.  

Christmas time has always been a time of wonder for me. And that wonder comes in many forms that hit all of the senses.  The things that we remember most in life are things that trigger our senses and create some kind of memory we can come back to.  

Food was always and still is a huge priority in our home.  My brother and I loved it growing up and still do! From the smell of Christmas candy being made, to sausage balls in the oven, to rolls and ham baking simmering in brown sugar and pineapples.  There was never any shortage of food and treats in our home. Mom loved providing our favorites. It gave her peace and joy in the holiday season to care for others. Not only did we bake for our family, she baked an abundance and would sprinkle treats throughout family, friends, or those in need.  

Another thing about Christmas and the winter season was the slower pace.  While there are times of busyness there are also times where you can just stop and basque in it all.  Time to sit and just enjoy family. Growing up I looked forward to snow and power outages. That meant we played games like rook even if by candlelight. Nothing like a little healthy competition to connect a family! We would sit around our simple kitchen table with popcorn and nachos and cheese and just play together.  

The magic of snow falling is something that always gets me.  I remember as I was growing up looking out the window leading to our deck and watching the snow slowly start to accumulate.  It always brought about great anticipation of what the finished product would look like, what that would mean, and what fun would come if it snowed just enough.  I remember my mom saying, “Sis, it’s snowing!”. I remember the snows so deep that I couldn’t walk and my Dad would have to carry me! As I think back to those moments, they are just so pure.  

I’m sure there were stressful moments, but I don’t remember those so much.  I know there were because I have them in my own house even in the middle of magic!  I take comfort in knowing my kids will also remember the wonder of it all.  

Some other awesome memories our parents blessed us with were the memories of church.  Heartfelt Christmas plays that gave you the imagery and biblical story of the reason for Christmas tied in with present day connections.  There was a sense of connectedness among the actors in the plays as we laughed and created memories. There were songs that filled the walls of our church that tugged at your heart and provided a sense of warmth and familiarity.  

And I guess lastly Christmas for me brings memories of presents.  But it isn’t so much the individual presents that I remember. It is the collective memory of the magic, the effort my parents put into it, and the ways they knew us so well, and the surprises that we weren’t even expecting.  It was the love I felt at Christmas.  

I think grief can be so hard around special events, birthdays, or holidays.  Because those moments that happen over and over again every year without fail leave an imprint.  They leave muscle memory deep inside. We have some days that are never the same in life, but those that surround tradition are so familiar.  So now I find myself at Christmas of our immediate family being “minus one”. 

Thirty-three years of Christmas memories involved being with my family which included both parents.  Fast forward to now and it is tough to get through it without some tears. I still am so blessed to have my Dad and so many other members of my family, but I do not have my Mom. She was the person with whom I, as a child, baked Christmas candy and homemade rolls who then became the person baking alongside my own girls. 

I ran across a huge prayer list this week she was keeping as she herself was going through the battle of fighting cancer. The names ranged from people I know so well to people I didn't know and now I only have a description such as ,”Gary from burn unit, or lady getting blood today”.  We don’t have to know names to pray for people, God knows. Mom took the time during her battle to pour her heart out to God on behalf of others. So I can rejoice today knowing where she is.  

I’m not sad for my Mom.  I know she is amazing and isn’t missing a thing.  She believed in Jesus Christ. So in my sadness, I do have peace.

As close as I feel to God in this moment, I still miss her.  I still long for one more time to ask her questions I have now thought of, that will remain unanswered.  I long for one more time to stand by her side and prepare treats and Christmas Eve dinner. I still find myself wanting to pick up the phone to tell her something cute my kids did.  As much as I know God is holding me up, I’m not sure I would feel that so deeply if there wasn’t deep love, but also suffering and tragedy. If there wasn’t the beyond rough moments in life how would we know to be thankful?  Would we need to rely on God if everything were wonderful all the time?  

In all of missing her the one thing I am eternally grateful for is knowing she is in Heaven. She isn’t sick.  She isn’t hurting. And she isn’t missing us. She is feeling pure joy and peace. And knowing that I can feel joy and peace, even amongst my messy tears of missing her. 

I guess the question is what do I do now without the person who was such a big part of my life and especially the season of Christmas and winter? I think I will keep doing what I am doing.  Creating new memories with my girls that they can carry forward. Stop and feel the emotion when it comes. I can be sad she isn’t here, but I can keep creating memories and paying forward gifts like she did.  I have so much to continue to be grateful for. I will always have and cherish the memories of preparing for Christmas and baking with my mom. I am forever grateful that I had her for so many years. She was a piece of my pie, that will always be missing and that no one person could ever replace. God has now put other people in my path and has strengthened other relationships that hold me up. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Phillipians 4:7.  

Dear God, 
I pray that today I will allow the hope, joy, and peace only you can provide to fill me up, to balance me, and to keep me steady.  For myself and all of those that holidays will never be the same again with a missing loved one on this earth, I pray that you show up bigger than ever this holiday season.  That we can all still feel magic, remember the true reason for Christmas, and pass that forward to others in our path.  
In Jesus precious name,
Amen
Author: Heather Lynch

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