 It is almost Christmas! If we pause and look around we see magic. We see lights and decorations. We see generosity. There are so many things to be thankful for. The holiday season can elicit such positive emotions and those feel good moments deep in your soul.
Christmas time has always been a time of wonder for me. And that wonder comes in many forms that hit all of the senses. The things that we remember most in life are things that trigger our senses and create some kind of memory we can come back to. Food was always and still is a huge priority in our home. My brother and I loved it growing up and still do! From the smell of Christmas candy being made, to sausage balls in the oven, to rolls and ham baking simmering in brown sugar and pineapples. There was never any shortage of food and treats in our home. Mom loved providing our favorites. It gave her peace and joy in the holiday season to care for others. Not only did we bake for our family, she baked an abundance and would sprinkle treats throughout family, friends, or those in need. Another thing about Christmas and the winter season was the slower pace. While there are times of busyness there are also times where you can just stop and basque in it all. Time to sit and just enjoy family. Growing up I looked forward to snow and power outages. That meant we played games like rook even if by candlelight. Nothing like a little healthy competition to connect a family! We would sit around our simple kitchen table with popcorn and nachos and cheese and just play together. The magic of snow falling is something that always gets me. I remember as I was growing up looking out the window leading to our deck and watching the snow slowly start to accumulate. It always brought about great anticipation of what the finished product would look like, what that would mean, and what fun would come if it snowed just enough. I remember my mom saying, “Sis, it’s snowing!”. I remember the snows so deep that I couldn’t walk and my Dad would have to carry me! As I think back to those moments, they are just so pure. I’m sure there were stressful moments, but I don’t remember those so much. I know there were because I have them in my own house even in the middle of magic! I take comfort in knowing my kids will also remember the wonder of it all. Some other awesome memories our parents blessed us with were the memories of church. Heartfelt Christmas plays that gave you the imagery and biblical story of the reason for Christmas tied in with present day connections. There was a sense of connectedness among the actors in the plays as we laughed and created memories. There were songs that filled the walls of our church that tugged at your heart and provided a sense of warmth and familiarity. And I guess lastly Christmas for me brings memories of presents. But it isn’t so much the individual presents that I remember. It is the collective memory of the magic, the effort my parents put into it, and the ways they knew us so well, and the surprises that we weren’t even expecting. It was the love I felt at Christmas. I think grief can be so hard around special events, birthdays, or holidays. Because those moments that happen over and over again every year without fail leave an imprint. They leave muscle memory deep inside. We have some days that are never the same in life, but those that surround tradition are so familiar. So now I find myself at Christmas of our immediate family being “minus one”. Thirty-three years of Christmas memories involved being with my family which included both parents. Fast forward to now and it is tough to get through it without some tears. I still am so blessed to have my Dad and so many other members of my family, but I do not have my Mom. She was the person with whom I, as a child, baked Christmas candy and homemade rolls who then became the person baking alongside my own girls. I ran across a huge prayer list this week she was keeping as she herself was going through the battle of fighting cancer. The names ranged from people I know so well to people I didn't know and now I only have a description such as ,”Gary from burn unit, or lady getting blood today”. We don’t have to know names to pray for people, God knows. Mom took the time during her battle to pour her heart out to God on behalf of others. So I can rejoice today knowing where she is. I’m not sad for my Mom. I know she is amazing and isn’t missing a thing. She believed in Jesus Christ. So in my sadness, I do have peace. As close as I feel to God in this moment, I still miss her. I still long for one more time to ask her questions I have now thought of, that will remain unanswered. I long for one more time to stand by her side and prepare treats and Christmas Eve dinner. I still find myself wanting to pick up the phone to tell her something cute my kids did. As much as I know God is holding me up, I’m not sure I would feel that so deeply if there wasn’t deep love, but also suffering and tragedy. If there wasn’t the beyond rough moments in life how would we know to be thankful? Would we need to rely on God if everything were wonderful all the time? In all of missing her the one thing I am eternally grateful for is knowing she is in Heaven. She isn’t sick. She isn’t hurting. And she isn’t missing us. She is feeling pure joy and peace. And knowing that I can feel joy and peace, even amongst my messy tears of missing her. I guess the question is what do I do now without the person who was such a big part of my life and especially the season of Christmas and winter? I think I will keep doing what I am doing. Creating new memories with my girls that they can carry forward. Stop and feel the emotion when it comes. I can be sad she isn’t here, but I can keep creating memories and paying forward gifts like she did. I have so much to continue to be grateful for. I will always have and cherish the memories of preparing for Christmas and baking with my mom. I am forever grateful that I had her for so many years. She was a piece of my pie, that will always be missing and that no one person could ever replace. God has now put other people in my path and has strengthened other relationships that hold me up. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7. Dear God, I pray that today I will allow the hope, joy, and peace only you can provide to fill me up, to balance me, and to keep me steady. For myself and all of those that holidays will never be the same again with a missing loved one on this earth, I pray that you show up bigger than ever this holiday season. That we can all still feel magic, remember the true reason for Christmas, and pass that forward to others in our path. In Jesus precious name, Amen Author: Heather Lynch Psalm 143:10-11- Teach me to do your will, for you are my god; may your good spirit lead me on level ground. For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
The hebrew word for level is miyshowr. A level or even place, but it also means uprightness, made straight, justice or uprightness. When I think of balance, I think of being physically on level ground. I think of being able to stand upright and steady. Not falling and not stumbling. Kim and I were hiking downhill recently and I stumbled, almost fell, but regained my balance. From behind me Kim said, “There is nothing I can do.” Sometimes others can catch us when we lose our balance physically. Sometimes they aren’t within arm’s reach and just watch the catastrophe go down. Maybe even laugh a little at us or with us. Our emotions, thoughts, and words can all spiral out of control and out of balance. Sometimes just as we physically fall or stumble, we emotionally do. Sometimes others can help us regain balance before we fall head first on our face and sometimes they only have the ability to pick us back up after we have fallen. Sometimes God sends others to resteady us, hold our hands through the tears, and pray with us. Sometimes God sends others to steady us through the accountability that relationship gives. I’m a firm believer of God sending people or signs our way to steady us, to show us his love. But I think above all else God wants us to allow him to steady us first. To ask him to lead us. To have the ability to start with him first thing in the morning and to revisit that presence throughout the day. To open our hearts, our minds, and our ability to listen. But he also created people for us to be in relation with for a reason. I think it’s both. We need God as a support to steady us and we need each other. We need God and others to balance out the parts where we are weak. Sometimes we are weak when we think we are strong. We think we can do this on our own. That we have it under control. But true strength also comes through submission and transparency. I do thing there is benefit in the concept of faking it until you make it, but that is temporary progress. It is fleeting. I think we can start something with faking it, but that is a band-aid to temporarily get us through. True and lasting change in anything comes from a true desire to be on the other side of something. Honesty about where we are coupled with dedication, determination, and daily habits to push us forward. The words not faltering are ever present as I write this. The Cambridge Dictionary defines faltering as, “to lose strength or purpose and stop, or almost stop”. Sometimes when the storms of life come we can lose the fight. Storms come in so many various forms. We can be filled with discouragement, negative thoughts, and despair. We can feel like we have no strength left. We can feel like maybe our purpose is gone or a lack of desire to fulfill a purpose after pain and loss. Sometimes we have lost one of the amazing people who gave us balance on this earth and who believed in us. The person you called when you wanted to share some kind of wonderful news or the person you desired comfort from when the news wasn’t so good. Isaiah 26:3- You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you. When I turn things over to God and I trust him, I see blessings and God’s provisions all around. God puts things and people in my path I didn’t expect. I promise this isn’t at all perfect or all the time, but each day I am seeing it more and more. I feel a peace that can only be from God. A song that started speaking to my heart many years ago was, “Praise You in This Storm” by Casting Crowns. A portion of the song says, But once again, I say amen That it's still raining As the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain I'm with you And as your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise The God who gives and takes away And I'll praise you in this storm And I will lift my hands That you are who you are No matter where I am And every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm” During that season, I was suffering a string of miscarriages that seemed like they would never end. But I vowed To God them I would praise him either way. I felt God’s tug at my heart back then to do more. To share my story more and to help others. Fast forward many years later and following the death of my aunt and grandmother, we were hugely impacted by the “C” word. Cancer invaded our lives. My mom was diagnosed with Leukemia and she fought long and hard for 14 long months before moving on to her heavenly home. This gave me a whole new understanding of cancer, caregiving, and loss. But also strength I didn’t know I had because it wasn’t of me. I could look around and see so many things God has put into place to help and protect our family at that time. God started weaving Balance Ministries together many years ago. He knew I was going to walk through an incredibly difficult season. He knew I was going to suffer loss. He knew what Kim had ahead of her. I can look back and see God’s provision in the support systems he had in place both in our personal lives and at work. As we have continued to feel the Holy Spirit move there is no denying God’s hand this whole time. I am so incredibly grateful that while there will always be loss and suffering here on this earth that God still has me in his hands. Life is a balance of feeling something that hurts so deep and still continuing forward. Being able to stay steady in the storm or in the aftermath. Knowing that more waves will come in life, but trusting God enough to truly turn things over to him. My heart's desire is to help and meet people where they are. To help regain their footing with the assurance of God’s word and through prayer. To support, encourage, and to love always. Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Romans 12:9-13
When I think of balance and being steady I usually incorporate imagery that in some way includes water. Recently, during an emotionally difficult day, I heard a reference that reminded me that all the water in the world cannot sink the tiniest ship unless it gets inside. As long as that ship stays afloat and upright the water is not only powerless but is the very means to transport the vessel to a new place. Over the past couple years I have certainly weathered a few storms. My family has experienced the loss of many members including my Tall Boyfriend, husband, best friend, and earthly balance in my life. In the months since becoming a widow, even the tiniest of storms were magnified by my own savage mind and temptation to roll around in sadness, loneliness, self-destruction, and anger. Maintaining balance and steadiness throughout the storm was beyond my own ability and required effort and the gentle ordering of my steps by the very One who gave me a life to live. I also think of balance as not only a way to just survive but also a way to exhibit grace and excellence. The image of a gymnast on a beam, so graceful, so purposeful, so evident of determination and practice, also provides insight into how being steady can result in victory. They make it look so easy as they jump, tumble, and steady themselves so beautifully on such a small space high above the ground. It is always clearly seen when the gymnast is focused and well prepared. You can almost see the moment when they are not and their eyes show doubt and fear right before or after they make a mistake. When they are successful it is a beautiful thing and their smiles and the cheers of the crowd reflect peaceful satisfaction in a job well done. I have come to understand balance and steadiness in life through these two lenses, both surviving and thriving. First, finding balance and being steady when storms of life serve up one wave after another is a result of reliance upon the Holy Spirit not only to comfort but also to fill up the empty spaces and heal the scars. Also, rising above just existing and striving to be excellent, walking ordered steps into a calling of my life is a result of covering each day in prayer and diving into the Word of God. There is always the temptation to remain in a safe place, giving into the seductive nature of numbness, not pressing forward in life. That ship that stays in the harbor does avoid all the storms and dangers in life, but also never goes anywhere. That gymnast who plays it safe on the beam doesn’t fully reach the potential talent that will result in a win. As I regained steadiness over the past few months, through spiritual battles, emotional roller coasters, and the raw physical pain of grieving, I felt myself facing two choices. I had visions of two doors. They were both red. The one on the left was tempting because it meant that I could give into numbness and just live, work, exist, and watch the days go by enjoying whatever life was left for me. The one on the right was more challenging. It meant I walked into the calling on my life to serve others and pursue ministry opportunities with a passion that had always burned inside me. I will be honest and admit that door #1 was given much consideration. It had less accountability and more opportunity for self-indulgence. It seemed I could enjoy the life of just existing and just rolling along with whatever came my way. Door #2 was probably always going to be the option I chose but it sure did not seem that way for many weeks. I felt I was losing my faith and had given up hope of being who God wanted me to be. I was brutally honest with myself and my friends and in my transparency admitted that I was not in a good place. Thankfully, God was still holding me and began to weave together something that I never expected. A new thing. Through the prayers of others, many deep talks with trusted friends and God, I began to see a path of hope and purpose. Conversations with Heather began to reveal just how God had been in the details all along. What began as shared desire to help those struggling to survive cancer and minister to the caregivers has developed into a picture of needs much greater. God spoke door #2 into my life and gave me not only the opportunity to walk through it but also the needed strength and shared purpose. The calling to use heartaches and lessons learned to serve others has propelled us further into God’s plan than we ever imagined. We have found ourselves many times saying “This is so much bigger than us”. And it is! Balance Ministries is being gracefully crafted and continually woven by God to meet the needs of those struggling to weather the storm, stay balanced and steady, and connect with those who can provide love and support. It is our heart’s desire that we remain faithful to God’s purpose in all this to provide for individuals needing support, encouragement, spiritual awakening, and prayer as well as financial provisions. We are moving forward to establish ministry opportunities one-on-one through visitation and prayer, the Balance Blog, in group settings through supportive bible studies, live streaming devotions, speaking engagements, conference events, and more. And by more ….there’s a bold move to listen to encouraging friends and write a book. This has been an interesting, fun, and hilarious process. I recommend it. :) SO! Stay tuned! We are building a network and need your help and prayers! We are working to establish Balance Ministries as a non-profit entity. This will expand the opportunities to serve others in many ways. As impatient and eager as I am this is hardly containable. I am excited and hope in the coming days you will not only pray for us but also about those that God is preparing to provide help and support. We will need lots of prayer and support. We have already experienced spiritual battles and know that more are ahead as it is with any ministry. God is doing a great thing, it is much bigger than us, and we are thankful for the love and support from family and friends! Moving forward steadily now for me means “counting it all joy”, as James says and “never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord” as we read in Romans. I miss my Tall Boyfriend every minute of every day. We had big plans to serve others during our empty nest phase of life. I cannot speak to the “why” life has become what it is but I can speak to the “how”. Taking each day, relying upon others, studying God’s Word, and sitting still and listening to the Holy Spirit has been my saving grace. So door #2 it is… this is me stepping through that door. This is me, that little dinghy sailing a stormy ocean trying to stay afloat and get to that new place. |
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